My May Stream of Consciousness

streamconscious

My meditation instructor is gone for a month…bummer because I get lazy when I am left to do it solely on my own. Mother’s Day soon. It’s the first Mother’s Day Michelle will have without Melissa, her only child. I loved coaching her. A year since she died…so young. I am taken back by how I feel. I visit her grave. Why did I survive?  Sometimes there is guilt about survival. There is guilt if I push myself too hard and put myself at risk of another hemorrhage…how would my children cope if I passed? I try to avoid thinking and plant a small garden. It hurts my brain to bend over and plant the seeds and weed. I may just observe it now and let it become a jungle. I write an essay for a Globe and Mail contest…that ends up being more tiring than enjoyable, but it’s a kind of “bucket list” thing I can check off. The big item is letters to my children should something happen; I keep avoiding that…besides – I am not dying…in fact, this month I am feeling like I am in a bit of a F-it mood to the cvm in my brain. The naturopath gives me B12 injections for energy, which last about a week, but not long enough, so we are going to try glutathione. Then, in all of my stubbornness, guilt, sadness, and longing, I join a group of women for some mountain biking. That was dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Paying for it now. Headache. Odd feelings. I know it will pass, but now I am mad at myself. I guess the biking is another item from the list…to engage in an activity I used to do…but it is so ego centered. And 90% of the time I am absolutely, unequivocally, and genuinely happy to be right where I am at. So why do I sometimes feel bored – feel like pushing the limits? Mid- month. Sitting at a meeting about the planning of my daughter’s grade 7 Farewell Dinner. Too many conversations going at once and I can’t follow any. I try not to get frustrated. There is so much people don’t know about head trauma. It’s hard, I think, when someone looks healthy. I tried to write down what I could. Ending the month soon. My oldest daughter will be 27. My youngest daughter will play in a soccer tournament. My son should be getting some hours soon as an emergency fire fighter. My husband is almost done another school year and has started to golf again. I am feeling content again. Is it possible to avoid another cycle of sorts? I don’t know. June is just around the corner.

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3 comments

  1. Anonymous · May 23, 2015

    Well said.

    Like

  2. Lisa Geres · May 23, 2015

    Thanks for sharing Dana, three steps forward, two steps back…but hey it’s progress.🌹

    Like

  3. Leigh McGinity · May 25, 2015

    Hi Dana, I was just reading your last post and saw that you have been having vit B 12 injections…….I buy the vial of B12 from Pharmasave and buy the needles and give the injection to myself and to you for free if you would like to continue with the B12 injections. It would work for me as well as I get lazy and forget to inject myself. think about this and get back to me. i relate to your joining the mountain biking group but of you want to just go riding with “former nurse”and absolutely no push to do more than you feel like, come biking with me. Trust me I bike for enjoyment…(very slowly no not really).think about this and get back to me. I stand beside you, love Leigh

    Like

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