bad brain beautiful brain

My May Stream of Consciousness

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My meditation instructor is gone for a month…bummer because I get lazy when I am left to do it solely on my own. Mother’s Day soon. It’s the first Mother’s Day Michelle will have without Melissa, her only child. I loved coaching her. A year since she died…so young. I am taken back by how I feel. I visit her grave. Why did I survive?  Sometimes there is guilt about survival. There is guilt if I push myself too hard and put myself at risk of another hemorrhage…how would my children cope if I passed? I try to avoid thinking and plant a small garden. It hurts my brain to bend over and plant the seeds and weed. I may just observe it now and let it become a jungle. I write an essay for a Globe and Mail contest…that ends up being more tiring than enjoyable, but it’s a kind of “bucket list” thing I can check off. The big item is letters to my children should something happen; I keep avoiding that…besides – I am not dying…in fact, this month I am feeling like I am in a bit of a F-it mood to the cvm in my brain. The naturopath gives me B12 injections for energy, which last about a week, but not long enough, so we are going to try glutathione. Then, in all of my stubbornness, guilt, sadness, and longing, I join a group of women for some mountain biking. That was dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Paying for it now. Headache. Odd feelings. I know it will pass, but now I am mad at myself. I guess the biking is another item from the list…to engage in an activity I used to do…but it is so ego centered. And 90% of the time I am absolutely, unequivocally, and genuinely happy to be right where I am at. So why do I sometimes feel bored – feel like pushing the limits? Mid- month. Sitting at a meeting about the planning of my daughter’s grade 7 Farewell Dinner. Too many conversations going at once and I can’t follow any. I try not to get frustrated. There is so much people don’t know about head trauma. It’s hard, I think, when someone looks healthy. I tried to write down what I could. Ending the month soon. My oldest daughter will be 27. My youngest daughter will play in a soccer tournament. My son should be getting some hours soon as an emergency fire fighter. My husband is almost done another school year and has started to golf again. I am feeling content again. Is it possible to avoid another cycle of sorts? I don’t know. June is just around the corner.

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